“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.” Laurie Perry

Before you read the following, please beware these are just my thoughts from my own experiences using online dating for the last 18 months! Everyone has a different experience using dating apps, please don’t be put off, you never know the love of your life might be a swipe away! It just seems the love of my life is cake! I am currently on four dating apps, now I have a really shit personality or I am completely undateable, I wouldn’t like to say which one but I don’t think its my personality!  

1. You can tell where a person is from, from their facial features! I kid you not, I can tell where a guy is from by just looking at their first picture! (God I have been on Tinder too long!) And I would say 10 out of 10 times I am right, where I am in the world I pick up men from Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham and everywhere in between. Men in each area have a look, sorry guys but you do! 

2. There are a lot of men on their just passing time! Online dating is more for pen pals then actually dating! Out of every ten men only one or two actually ever want to meet. And by the time the day of the date comes round, one of the two has dropped out. The truth is online dating is a great way to pass time without actually having to do anything! 

3. Penis’s come in all shapes and sizes, in the last 18 months I would say I have easily seen 100 dick pics! Something about my face says send this girl a picture of my dick! Guys never send them, they are ugly as hell! I recently got sent a picture of a limp penis that was curled up like an actual white turd! I was in total shock, no idea what he thought would happen! I can’t even imagine he could have thought it looked good! did he imagine I would cum in my pants at the sight of it? If anything the only bodily reaction I had was to be sick in my mouth. I have seen short, long, thin, thick, bent and straight! All ugly, after the turd penis the second worse one I have ever seen was one that was the same size and shape as those little Argos pens you get! I have also woken up to a fair few wanking videos in my time too! 

4. Apparently having blonde hair and tattoos makes me a party animal and easy! I have regular fights with men who call me a liar when I say I don’t like to party. During a first date when asked if I would go back to his hotel room, which I refused he told me I must be wild because of my tattoos. I also get called boring a lot! It is becoming very clear very fast that tattooed blondes are one of the women on a mans tick list. You know the list they have of kinds of women they want to sleep with. My look is more of a fetish for them, I am sure it was on Sex in the City, one of the girls said “men fuck blondes they marry brunettes” starting to think this is truth! 

5. The number of married man on Tinder is absolutely shocking! And they aren’t even trying to hide. I kid you not, I saw a man who admitted in his bio that he was married, right next to his whatsapp number. Not to mention it was connected to a dirty Instagram and there was actual branding and a wedding ring. Yes ladies this married man had created a brand around his cheating! So I messaged him asking how he could be so bold and the whatsapp number, ladies he has a second phone but apparently very happy in his marriage! 

6. Everyone wants to know everything right now! What the hell happened to getting to know someone over time. Literally people ask for my life story daily, slow down, get to know someone over time. Time is how you fall for someone! 

7. The art of seduction is dead! Those little looks across bars are gone, the excuse to walk past and touch them gone! I actually went out with a friend who saw an attractive woman across the bar, I told him he should go over and say hello. Do you know what he did, brace yourselves, he opened Tinder and started swiping in the hope to see her on there! I have zero words, WTAF what is wrong with people. Nothing will ever replace that cheeky grin across a room that makes you blush and look away. 

8. Sometimes online is great for hook ups, I have had some amazing sex with men I never planned to see more than once! In fact I have had some amazing sex with men I didn’t even know the names of! However if you are doing this then please be safe, use protection and ALWAYS tell someone where you are going/are. No dick so good that you should put your life in danger. 

9. The number of sedated animals in the world is fucking alarming as much so as the number of men that feel the need to pose next to them for a picture. 

10. A lads holiday to Thailand seems to be a right of passage not to mention they bloody love skiing, what ever they do for a living I need that job! 

11. They all seem to be bloody Directors, who the hell are working for them because it can’t be other men because they are too busy being Directors. Like shit dude, I am totally a Director, just of my own Tinder account!  

12. There are a lot of negative men in the world that use their bio space to talk about all the things they hate in women! Why not try using it as a space for positive vibes. I once saw a bio with a list of 12 things the woman must not be which including being bigger than a size 10 and working outside of the 9-5, Monday to Friday hours.

13. Men use Snapchat filters! So shut up talking about how much women use them. The number one bio complaint is no women with dog ears or tongue, guys you are all doing it too.

14. If you don’t look like your pictures then you are buying the drinks until you do! Not original guys, I literally am a little sick in my mouth every time I know read this! But it does seem to be the most popular bio line.

15. “I’d smash that” should never be your opening line! It makes me want to smash your face in! Yes I have received this on a number of opening messages. The only thing you are smashing is my hope in mankind.

16. Shut up with the first date spark talk, in my whole dating life I have had the first date spark once! I don’t know if they are actually looking for this unicorn or its just a nice way to let someone down. It’s a nice way to think but this isn’t a Hollywood movie, nervous happen.

17. Online dating shouldn’t be a tool to use to get over your break up. One of the first questions I ask now is how long have you been single, because I am fed up of men being single a day and the line “but it was over long before”. It’s just causing a cycle of damaged people.

18. I am going to be single forever!